JUICE JOHN MARKETING: My issue with a certain toilet tissue.

Hey Charmin, does a bear shit in the woods?

ANSWER: Yes, but it doesn't use toilet paper.

Babies, nor bears, nor puppies use toilet paper.  But what do all these “mascots” have in common?

THEY’RE ALL SOFT TO THE TOUCH!  It’s gonna feel so good wiping your ass with our softest toilet paper yet, that Rick Santorum is going center his campaign around prohibiting it.  I’m talking soft velvet kisses on your anus, to be absolutely clear.

But what else is needed in toilet paper?  Say it with me, ABSORBENCY.  Notice how the Charmin pack makes a point to say “Our softest touch and most absorbent.”

The bear is a very clever character choice, Charmin.  Your marketing team has done well.  I see exactly where you’re going.  Wiping your ass with a big fuzzy bear would be soft and absorbent.  I would bet that once you wiped with a big fuzzy bear, toilet paper would never really be the same anymore.

Cottonelle also falls into the same  “wipe your ass with a fuzzy animal” category as Charmin.  Notice how the puppy has his foot on the toilet paper as to say “it’s just as soft as me and I like it!”  Much like the bear, I imagine using a puppy would also prove to be soft and absorbent.

Here’s where I get a little confused.  Sure, babies are soft, but not very absorbent.  I can see wiping your ass with a bear or a puppy, but but what kind of sicko would want to wipe with a precious baby?

Get with the program Angel Soft and slap a fuzzy animal on the cover.  I don’t think anyone in the TP game has a cat mascot.  You can have a cat with a halo on it.  Super soft angel robes that look like they’re made out your toilet paper.

Fuck, if I had photoshop/photoshop skills/time to do your job for you, I’d draw this motherfucker up right now.  It’s coming to me like a vision.

UPDATE 3/21/2012:  I found the time to help Angel Soft out in a major way.  Once again, I don’t have Photoshop, so I had to do this in MS Paint.

You're welcome, Angel Soft.




Author: JuiceJohn

It doesn't have to make cents.

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