NOW YOU KNOW: Why I remain single.

As any of the GDG threads will tell you, I didn’t exactly hit the genetic jackpot.  Yet, being single for an extended period of time is actually a new thing for me.  Since age sixteen I’ve been drifting from relationship to relationship, with about six months of single life in between.

For the last year and a half I’ve been alone.  Sure, I often develop little crushes, but I’ve been purposely preventing myself from pursuing them by practicing the following.

THE THREE STEP PROGRAM TO REMAIN A SINGLE WHITE MALE: 

1. Listen to this song:

2. Watch this movie:

Seriously... a special kind of depressing.

3. And this picture speaks for itself:

I think you get what I mean.

The system works,  I recently turned down somebody that probably (in hindsight) would have been the best thing to ever happen to me.  She came from money and was on her way to making a lot of money.  But Weezer, Blue Valentine, and masturbation desire for abstinence made sure that didn’t happen.  Well, that and the fact that we had very few things in common, she was boring, and she wanted to talk on the phone three times a day.  No thank you.

But the system is not flawless.  Sometimes I’ll go too long without checking off one of the steps and a terrible thing happens.

I become interested in someone.

I always run into a cute girl at work.  No big deal, just say “good morning” and keep walking.  Follow the three step program and focus on your other goals.  There is more to life then women and happiness.  Just stock those shelves do your job (whatever that is) and ignore her.  Don’t shit where you work, where you coincidentally deal with shit all day.

So I did that.  I ignored her.  I might have looked at her a few too many times, but a lot of that had to do with simple fact that we work within eyeshot from one another (and she’s gorgeous.)  As time passed, it almost seemed like the more I tried to ignore her, the more she walked by me.  Whatever, “good morning,” and back to the task at hand.

Then, the god I don’t believe in started fucking with me.  This girl started popping up everywhere.  I’m on my friends Facebook looking at pictures and there she is commenting, so I comment back — unrelated to the picture.  Small world, turns out they’re cousins.

I’m at school on a day when I’m not scheduled, to turn in a paper, and guess who I see from afar in the hallway.  “God” are you trying to send me a sign?  I only go three places: Facebook, school, and work… and this girl is at every one.

After the Facebook discovery, we spent three months being more pleasant towards one another. Instead of saying just “good morning,” it would turn into “have a nice day,” or the one that got me… “good morning, John.”

Oh shit, I knew that she knew my name, but hearing her say it just did something to me!  I think the Weezer song that’s playing in my heart is El Scorcho now!  FUCK my three step program! I need to get to know this lady!

The day after she dropped the J-bomb, I added her on Facebook.  This unlocked a breadth of information about her, and further complicated my dilemma.  We have a lot in common.  What we don’t have in common, I want to learn more about.  We even inadvertently made plans to attend the same concert, prior to ever knowing we shared a mutual interest.  I proceeded to chat away towards her, not hiding my excitement very well.  But she is so hard to read.  I don’t think she’s interested, but I really can’t tell.  How can I find out if she’s interested?

Well, she’s not leaving any signals on Facebook.  I wonder if she has a blog.  Girls have blogs.  Hell, I even know a guy who has a blog.  Not being internet illiterate, I also know that most people use the same screen name on multiple websites.  I wonder if she does…

Let’s Google it:  “SCREENNAME” blog

Sure enough, there it is.  First post — “Why do I attract the creepy losers?”

Oh wow,  so that’s what it feels like to be punched in the heart.  I instantly become angry/sad/defensive.  I write her a message on Facebook, with full transparency about what I’ve done:

I’m positive I’ve misread this whole situation. By a long shot.
I totally misunderstood your friendliness as a “hey, get to know me” type of thing.

 Then, like literally a half hour ago, I noticed that your facebook page handle was SCREENNAME. I’m not completely internet illiterate, I was like “I bet she uses that for everything.” Pretty astute assumption, albeit correct.

So when I just read, “Why do I attract the creepy losers?” I was like… OHHHH that’s me. Considering I was just then creeping your s/n and I’m a 26 year old sophomore, pretty correct assumption on your part as well.

I wish I had an answer to your question, but until then I’ll just piss off and mind my own business back in my own department.

After I send the message, I immediately delete her from Facebook.  I figure it will save her the trouble.  Tired of being awake and dealing with life’s challenges, I go to bed.  I wake up to a response from her.

Why didn’t you just ask if I was on other sites? I would have given you a list of them. 

I posted that because a guy I went to high school with wrote this creepy poem and said it was for me.

Oh shit.  SON OF A BITCH!  With egg on my face, I break out the shovel and continue digging a hole by sending the following:

Well fuck my life then.
Where’s the undo everything button?

I’m not on any other site, so it would have been a strange question to ask. You never do independent research? It was really nothing personal, I’ve used similiar tactics against Xbox Live users and even my best friend. Curiousity…

I’m sorry, “PERSON.” I’m sensitive and sometimes it feels like the whole world is trying to attack me. Oddly enough and this genuinely happened, my new boss said that I’m “the most pessimistic person he’s ever met,” yesterday. I guess if the shoe fits…

I’m glad that if that indeed wasn’t about me, I managed to fit into the title quite nicely. Awesome. Terrific. Everything as planned.

Since I don’t see this getting any more awkward, I might as well drop the witty remark that I had lined up.

“I offer to buy you a drink and you tell me you don’t drink. I’d ask you out to dinner, but you’d probably tell me you don’t eat.”

There, wow I’m so suave. Time to bury my head back in the sand now. Good day, all apologies.

WAY TOO LONG of a STORY MADE SHORT.  After eighteen months of purposely avoiding the opposite sex, I alienate the first one that I’m interested in.

And that’s why I remain single.

Now you know.

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Author: JuiceJohn

It doesn't have to make cents.

4 thoughts on “NOW YOU KNOW: Why I remain single.”

  1. None taken.

    That’s the reason I thought she was talking about me. It sucks when you essentially show the girl you’re interested in that you’re a creepy loser.

    I guess it’s time to bump Blue Valentine back up to the top of the queue.

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