TESTIMONIAL: Six months of this crap.

I’ve had all sorts of disc golf to play and homework to do, so I failed to write this on Juicejohn.com’s September 7th six month anniversary date.

I started this website on March 7th, 2012 as an outlet to just post whatever I want.  At the time I was three months in on my third college semester attempt and every class I selected turned out to be a writing class.  After being told what to write about so many times,  this blog was my form of a silent protest against the Man.  You can’t tell me what to write.  I’ll compose a piece about toilet paper and there’s nothing you can do about it...

There are many other outlets I could have chosen, but WordPress had the domain available, so I bought in.

In celebration of my now six month and four day anniversary of producing a blog with 90% original content (everything except the OTHER  category;) I’m going to stray away from Testimonial’s usual format where I break down the high’s and low’s of my personal life — and instead analyze the best and worst of my own website.

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Sierra Nevada Torpedo Ale?  This beer was disgusting and my on camera reaction was 100% honest.

NOW YOU KNOW: Druggies and the use of modified sign language.  Wanna go blow a dwarf?

JUICE JOHN MARKETING: My issue with a certain toilet tissue. Does a bear shit in the woods?  Does it use toilet paper?

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Fila Texas Ranger tennis shoe?  My first attempt at trying to review something besides a beer.  Then I drank a beer.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: The Beauty of Winter and Robert Frost’s Poetry.  Nobody likes it, but I do.  And I’m the only one who matters to me.

THE ARTIST: Accidental Photography.  My HTC Windows Phone loves to launch into camera mode… without my consent.  I could make about six more of these posts.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: I’m Still Counting.  I like to keep myself occupied with nonsense like this.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Thirteen strangers liked this, so that made me like it.  Thanks guys!

PAPERS I WAS FORCED TO WRITE:  My tongue-in-cheek obituary.


GOD DAMN GENETICS  The whole category.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: House of Lies.  I used to webcam the poetry readings for APJ.  On this one, I wore make-up… and this video embarrasses me.

NOW YOU KNOW: Why I remain single.  I suck at dating or even getting to know someone.  This post depresses me because I know the guy who wrote it.

NOW YOU KNOW:  I mess up.  Deleted scenes, outtakes.  I’m weird.  I like to edit video, so I record garbage.

JOHN’S JUICE  The whole category… even though I had fun doing the Fat Man Workout Plan videos.

THE ARTIST: Juice John Choreography.  Fun at the time, but I know that there’s going to come a time where I regret dancing on the internet.

PITCH: PRODUCT: Raisin M&M’s!  I thought it was a good idea, but nobody liked it.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: The price of paper has made me a pauper.  I don’t really have a following.  I’m not very social and I don’t promote this website’s existence.  So when I get a bunch of likes on a post, it makes me want to sell out.  That’s what this post was.  A bunch of people liked the first Minimalist Comic, so I rushed to make a second one.  The joke fell flat, as it wasn’t a joke to begin with.  I’m talking some real life shit in this piece.


JUICE JOHN MARKETING:  We knew that Caucasian rap music sold cars way before Dodge did that commercial featuring Eminem.

I was eighteen and just started to experiment with making music.  I made this video for some coworkers who nicknamed me ‘MeatSauce’ and for all the people that chanted “go whiteboy” on commencement day.  It’s bad and I like it, but nonetheless it’s a low point in my life.

Everything else.


Author: JuiceJohn

It doesn't have to make cents.

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