NOW YOU KNOW: Stop Ruining Clowns.



When you’re as apathetic as I am, it’s really hard to get passionate about anything.  Well, this year I finally found my cause.  I need to fight for the rights of clowns.



Broad generalization… but I love gay people. Any group that infuriates the Westboro Baptist Church and Rush Limbaugh to such great extents are obviously allies of mine…
At the very least in a ‘my enemy’s enemy is my friend’ sort of way.


Top reasons I support THE GAY AGENDA:

1. Overpopulation. Scientific fact: two men can’t produce another idiot human that has to finish sending a text before reacting to the green light.

2. Welfare. Less people = less welfare. Factor in adoption by gay couples = even less welfare.
3. Economy. Gay people know how to party. Imagine how much money would be spent for the wedding/reception.
4. Liberty. It’s a word that’s kicked around… often ironically by the Right wing. To me the idea of liberty means that you should live as you see fit without endangering those around you. Wanna rock a cock? Lick a chick? Toke a smoke? I don’t give a shit. That’s your business.
5. Real estate. The worst thing that’s going to happen when a bunch of gay people move into your neighborhood is that property value will skyrocket. The streets will be clean. Rusted pick-up trucks replaced with flower gardens. You might even have neighbors interesting enough to talk to.
6. Shrimp. I use this one too much… but seriously… the Bible prohibits seafood — and yet every town has run-down Red Lobster.
7. Bacon. America is the fattest nation on the planet and is also the most Christian. Pretty sure we’re not following this Biblical bacon rule either. Yet when it comes to gay people, well… we have to treat them as lesser beings. The Book said so!
8. I’m not going to finish this list. Instead, I’m going to go eat some bacon wrapped shrimp.

NOW YOU KNOW: How to make a profit on Halloween.

This Halloween, I’m doing everything different.  I usually stay in and pass out candy to the kids (and eat tons of candy in the process) but this year I’m going to make some quick cash.  I’m going to dress up as a homeless guy, drive down to Detroit, and panhandle all day.

Halloween is all about dressing up as something you’re not and getting free stuff from strangers, right?   I have enough cavities as it as and can spare a few pounds, so I don’t need free candy – but money – oh yeah, I could always use more.

Anyways, even if I wanted candy and put on a Power Rangers costume and went door to door, people would bust my balls.  “Aren’t you a little old?” they would question.  It’s not socially acceptable for an adult to trick-or-treat.  But people give change to homeless all the time.

This Halloween, I’m going to catch the spirit again.  I’m going to dress up and come home with a pillowcase full of nickels.  This year, I will trick-or-treat the adult way.  The homeless way.

NOW YOU KNOW: I vote Democratic because I can’t afford to move to the Netherlands.

“’I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can’t explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen… I know it won’t be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it.” – George W. Bush.

I’ve been daydreaming about leaving America since the age of fourteen.  My faith in the system was lost on a cold Michigan night in November 2000, when Florida botched their polling system and seemingly handed the presidential election over to George W. Bush.  The whole thing seemed too convenient for W.  The son of a former president winning the state that his brother, Jeb Bush, governed after a huge polling controversy didn’t (and still doesn’t) seem like a coincidence. I remember asking myself at the time, “Is this Democracy just a Monarchy in disguise?  Is the game rigged?”

Bush’s presidency did nothing to restore my patriotism, but opened my mind to conspiracy theories I would have otherwise shut out.  The Bush’s are all alien-lizard-people who are skin changers and part of the Illuminati who want to establish a New World Order by staging a shadow-government orchestrated terrorist act?  That explains everything!

When Bush won again in 2004 by using folk-isms such as “you don’t change horses’ in midstream,” and by feeding off the fear of the general public to gain votes, it only made my dreams of fleeing that much more persistent.  I felt like I didn’t fit in with the majority of America, because I didn’t.  I often wondered aimlessly about what Canada is like.

Nonetheless, by November 2008, I was still an American… but hopeful.  Bush and Cheney were finally leaving office and a charismatic black man with the unfortunate (for this political scene) name of Barack Obama was leading the polls.  Right wingers demonized him as a liberal-socialist-Marxist-Kenyan-Islamic and all the noise made me want to vote for him all the more.  Obama’s marketing campaign of HOPE and CHANGE made me all the more anxious on election night.  When the results came in positive for Obama and the Democratic Party – who now controlled the House and Senate; it felt like a new day dawned in America.  I dreamed of smoking marijuana at a gay wedding reception and taking a legal prostitute to get an abortion from a Mexican illegal immigrant the morning afterwards.  Because that is what the Rush Limbaugh’s of the world had me believing would happen if Obama was elected (and that’s what every liberal dreams about.)

As the 2012 election approaches, Obama still has my vote.  I’m not absconding from this country anytime soon and he’s the lesser of two evils, even if he is drastically disappointing to many liberals.  My biggest problem with Obama is that he didn’t turn out to be the extreme leftist that he was painted to be by the opposition.  I’ve heard Republican colleagues express fears that upon reelection the real Obama will come out and his true European-socialist agenda will be known.   That sounds like wishful thinking to me.

I’m banking on Obama winning, because I don’t see how anyone could possibly vote for Mitt Romney.  Between questionable dealings at Bain Capital, his reluctance to release tax records, paying a lower tax rate than most of Americans on the years he did release, his constant flip-flopping, pandering to the working-class people he has nothing in common with, and his VP pick of Paul Ryan (I could go on), the candidate doesn’t really seem to have ground to run on.  Yet he somehow remains close in the polls.  And technically he’s not even Christian!  I thought that was a must for Conservative voters, who want to run the country using the Bible as an instruction manual.

Therein lays my issue with being American.  A lot of my separation stems from being a non-believer in a country full of theists.   In the United States, much of our public policy is dictated by the Holy Bible. Christianity is to blame for the question of abortion and women’s rights finding its way into the news cycle every six months. It is why two people who are in love, but share the same sex, can’t get married.   Jesus Christ is the reason I can’t smoke marijuana before going to see The Dark Knight Rises without fear of prosecution.  I guess since Obama is pro-choice, in favor of gay marriage, and used to smoke marijuana – the fact that Romney doesn’t believe in the same Jesus is okay with the Conservative base.  And on second thought, I don’t think the Bible is to blame for the prohibition of marijuana.

For now, I wait with anxiously for November to come and go.  I know that whether it is Romney or Obama as our president in 2013, nothing is really going to change for me.  The wealthy will notice a huge change if Romney/Ryan wins, as their tax rate will decline to twenty-five percent if the VP’s budget plan is enacted.  Poor, liberal, atheists such as myself will only find true change if we move to Europe.  More specifically – the Netherlands.  With its beautiful rolling hills, a climate comparable to Michigan, and a population consisting of many liberal nonbelievers; it sounds like home.  Now I just need to figure out a way to get enough money to get there…

Now you know, my American dream is to leave America.

I’m sorry U.S.

It’s not you, it’s me.

P.S. Is it cool if I stay here until I find someone new?  I mean, I still like you a lot… I just don’t think I love you.

NOW YOU KNOW: We’ve been this way forever. There is no hope. There is no end.

“What is this world coming to?”

I remember this question being uttered from my mother’s lips on many occasions throughout the years.  The expression is most often repeated while watching the a.m. news.

On the morning of Friday July 20th I heard the phrase again several times in response to the Colorado theater tragedy. She coupled the statement with “What would possess someone to do such a thing?”

“What is this world coming to?”

I shook my head as I balanced my attention between her jabbering and the news report.  Information was still scarce at that moment, and the various cable news stations all grasped at straws to continue coverage.  Much misinformation was being presented — from the shooter being Indian — to a possible Tea Party affiliation.

I quickly lost interest in the news organizations attempts to fill airtime.  I went to my room and sat at my desk to have a thought.  Through quiet contemplation I came upon an answer to my mother’s often repeated question.

“What is this world coming to?”

The end seems to be the answer for many people, and I’ve been hearing it — and reading it on grocery store tabloids — my whole life.  “We’re living in the end times.” In 2012, this notion was further promoted due to an unfinished calendar left behind by some dead South Americans.

The calendar ends on December, 21st 2012!  The epic finale! Admittedly, there has been some weird shit this year; drug induced cannibalism, mutations, and TomKat breaking up. But a psycho being a psychopath is nothing new.  Men have been murdering men since the dawn of…man.  This world is not becoming anything different; it is as it always was.  There are more seats in the coliseum (cable news, the internet) and better weapons to slaughter each other with, but the violence remains the same.

I can definitely tell you the world is not coming to an end.  That would be too convenient.  That would give us a chance at a new beginning.

“What is this world coming to?”

Nothing.  We’ve been this way forever.  There is no hope.  There is no end.