PITCH: Star Wars meets Scarface.

I have amazing ideas, but I lack skills.  Thankfully my friend Matt is pretty good at Photoshop.  You’re welcome, Hollywood.


PITCH: MOVIE: George W. Bush: War Hero.

I’m watching Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter as I type this.  This movie has inspired me.  Alternate history movies are a great idea!

I want to make a movie in the same vein as AL:VH, but have the protagonist be George W. Bush as he personally hunts down Saddam Hussein and single-handedly unites the Iraqi people.  I’m thinking an action segment where G.W. is caught alone and must fight his way through the hostile streets of Baghdad.   I’m talking G.W. in a tank being a bad-ass.  G.W. in a jet being a bad-ass.  G.W. being a bad-ass in hand to hand combat.  G.W. saying “bad-ass” at least fifty times during the course of the movie.

When G.W. finally encounters Saddam, he lassos him (because G.W. is also a rancher) and publicly hangs him to the roaring cheers of the Iraqi people.  Women flash G.W. their breasts and aren’t beaten by their husbands.  The flag in the public square is taken down and replaced by that of the red, white, and blue.  George W. Bush is the face on all Iraqi currency.

Keep in mind, this is just my pitch.  If Hollywood wants to give me some money, I will gladly quit my job to write the screenplay.

Here are some conceptual photos, on the house:


PITCH: MOVIE: Jurassic Park Sequel.

I was inspired today when I saw this picture.

“This gives me a great idea for a Jurassic Park sequel.” — Juicejohn.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make a version of Jurassic Park where all the big and scary dinosaurs are gay.  The Christian’s will eat this up — as the only way to make a godless killing machine more godless is to make it gay. (Their opinion, not mine.)

I have assembled a brief scene from my upcoming script.  It’s really too early to be sharing anything, but I am really excited about this project.

Ext. Night. Jurassic Park T-Rex containment area.

Professor Nassyr works frantically to repair the grid powering the electric fence containing nature’s most devastating creation, the gay Tyrannosaurus Rex. He knows that it’s only a matter of time before the creatures test the boundaries of their cells.

Thrashing is heard through the trees, followed by the distinguishable sound of bending metal. Nassyr’s efforts have failed and one of the male T-Rex’s has escaped. The ground trembles as the beast exits captivity and enters freedom.

ROAR! –T-Rex

The entire park wakes from it’s slumber. Moans of panic can be heard from the neighboring dinosaurs. More thrashing is heard, followed by the sound of snapping wires — this time much closer. Then, the other adult male T-Rex responds back.

ROAR! –T-Rex #2

The ground shakes harder and harder around Nassyr. Hesitantly, he turns from the power station and looks behind him — to see T-Rex #2 quickly approaching.

All is lost.
–Professor Nassyr

The T-Rex has Nassyr’s scent, mostly because he shit himself. With every monstrous thump of the beasts feet, Nassyr makes another fleeting plea to God. As the beast approaches, now within 25 feet, the other T-Rex comes crashing through the woods and headbutts the approaching enemy. The two start fighting fiercely. As the battle ensues it becomes gentler. Then — the Rex’s start purring.

What the fuck? T-rex’s purr?
–Professor Nassyr

As the dinosaurs progress into cuddling, T-Rex #2 submits and lifts its tail and ass into the air. Full male dinosaur-on-dinosaur CGI anal penetration begins on screen. Reptile ass being pounded from all angles at 48 frames-per-second.

Oh, that’s just disgusting! No wonder dinosaurs are extinct!
–Professor Nassyr

Nassyr get’s into his Jeep and drives away. The T-Rex’s don’t seem to notice — or just aren’t interested.


That’s just one scene from the three hour epic I have envisioned.  Stay tuned for more details.

PITCH: PRODUCT: Fake boobs that don’t look ridiculous.

Every year, Apple dramatically innovates many of its products.  Constant improvement.


Fake tits have looked ridiculous for thirty years.  No improvement.

What’s the deal?  Science hasn’t developed the technology to form silicone in the shape of U’s instead of O’s?  I mean, besides the massive gap in between implants, the shape is the main problem.  Natural boob’s aren’t circles.  They’re more of a rounded U shaped — and eventually — V shaped.


I’m riffing all over these boobs.

1. In the first panel, those boobies look like they’re going to explode.  If this girl invited you over, you’d wanna make sure there isn’t any ragged edges on your fingernails.  Second-base could end in disaster.

2. The second and third panels focus on the issue of spacing.  Breast augmentation comes with the added bonus of scars and a free installation of a grand canyon in the middle of your chest.

3.  In the last panel (the before and after) the boobs are still way too round — and probably firm like a bag of sand.  Considering that I can see her ribs in the before picture… I think some more time spent at the refrigerator would have aided in her goal of a bigger cup size.  Just saying…


Breast implants x time = even more fucking ridiculous.

Boob jobs are expensive and look stupid.  I’m not a woman, so I’ve never had the thought of “I should get breast implants” run through my head.

As a man with moobs, I’ve had the thought of “I should get a breast reduction,” but that’s altogether different.

While I lack the charm, wit, high income, and good looks to ever attract a woman with breast implants to begin with, I concur with this fine gentleman.


Girls, until someone constructs a fake tit that doesn’t look like a fake tit, please… boycott that shit.  The BIG CORPORATE BREAST BUILDERS will never innovate if women keep going under the knife.
And really — just be yourself.  If you’re afraid that you’re going to look like a boy when you take off your shirt — remember that you’ll look like a woman when you take off your pants.

My kind of woman.


M&M’s have come in a lot of varieties throughout the years.  Coconut, pretzel, almond, peanut butter, mint, crisp, dark chocolate, cherry, peanut, and mini. At this point, they could almost make a trail mix completely out of M&M’s… but something is missing.

Raisin! Hey Mars Company, you could totally wipe out Raisinets with the introduction of this variety.  I took the liberty of designing the first package for you.

The launch of raisin M&M’s would lead to another exciting product…

M&M Trail Mix – Raisin, peanut, almond, peanut butter, pretzel, and mini M&M’s.

Now please pay me.

PITCH: PRODUCT: A microwave that isn’t afraid of a little metal.

Where the hell is science lately?  It seems like they’re all focused on cellphones and GPS-satellite-blah-blah-blah.  We’re not even done with appliances yet.  Let’s look a little inward.

The Dyson guy gets it.  He looked at the vacuum and said “NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”  I respect that.  Fuck vacuums.  They suck.

I feel the same way about microwaves.  Where’s the innovation?  What’s the next best thing in microwave technology?

This is a microwave.

Someone needs to invent a microwave that I can put metal in.  I feel like something beyond myself (god?) is driving me on this one.  Also, I grill potatoes wrapped in tin foil.  I would like to eat the leftovers the next day, heating them up quickly in a microwave.  But who has the energy and time to unwrap them?  And as everyone knows, unwrapping a potato prior to heating ruins the locked in flavor.

These are potatoes wrapped in tin foil.

Another example — I make instant oatmeal.  When I stir it halfway through cooking, I sometimes forget to take the spoon out.   Loud noises. Pop.  Everyone yells at me.

Current and future science people, now you know.  A microwave that doesn’t freak out over metal would be really cool.