PITCH: PRODUCT: Raisin M&M’s!

M&M’s have come in a lot of varieties throughout the years.  Coconut, pretzel, almond, peanut butter, mint, crisp, dark chocolate, cherry, peanut, and mini. At this point, they could almost make a trail mix completely out of M&M’s… but something is missing.

Raisin! Hey Mars Company, you could totally wipe out Raisinets with the introduction of this variety.  I took the liberty of designing the first package for you.

The launch of raisin M&M’s would lead to another exciting product…

M&M Trail Mix – Raisin, peanut, almond, peanut butter, pretzel, and mini M&M’s.

Now please pay me.

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PITCH: PRODUCT: A microwave that isn’t afraid of a little metal.

Where the hell is science lately?  It seems like they’re all focused on cellphones and GPS-satellite-blah-blah-blah.  We’re not even done with appliances yet.  Let’s look a little inward.

The Dyson guy gets it.  He looked at the vacuum and said “NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”  I respect that.  Fuck vacuums.  They suck.

I feel the same way about microwaves.  Where’s the innovation?  What’s the next best thing in microwave technology?

This is a microwave.

Someone needs to invent a microwave that I can put metal in.  I feel like something beyond myself (god?) is driving me on this one.  Also, I grill potatoes wrapped in tin foil.  I would like to eat the leftovers the next day, heating them up quickly in a microwave.  But who has the energy and time to unwrap them?  And as everyone knows, unwrapping a potato prior to heating ruins the locked in flavor.

These are potatoes wrapped in tin foil.

Another example — I make instant oatmeal.  When I stir it halfway through cooking, I sometimes forget to take the spoon out.   Loud noises. Pop.  Everyone yells at me.

Current and future science people, now you know.  A microwave that doesn’t freak out over metal would be really cool.

JUICE JOHN MARKETING: You’re welcome, dairy farmers.

My father is a salesman.  It’s in my DNA.  Juice John can market anything and don’t you forget it.  Here I am driving water sales.

Dairy farmers are hurting, America.  The liberal media is converting the masses to soy, coconut, almond, and even hemp milk-substitutes.  Being a proud American, I cannot stand  on the sidelines.  Here’s Juice John driving milk sales:

Even chocolate milk is under attack from the lamestream media and scientific fact.  Don’t you want to be big and strong?  Don’t you want your kids to be big and strong?  Plant based milk alternatives do not contain any growth hormones, America.  As tasty as your dark chocolate almond-milk is, it’s totally making you look like a giant pussy.

Don’t fight the system. Buy appropriately.