PITCH: PRODUCT: Fake boobs that don’t look ridiculous.

Every year, Apple dramatically innovates many of its products.  Constant improvement.

Meanwhile…

Fake tits have looked ridiculous for thirty years.  No improvement.

What’s the deal?  Science hasn’t developed the technology to form silicone in the shape of U’s instead of O’s?  I mean, besides the massive gap in between implants, the shape is the main problem.  Natural boob’s aren’t circles.  They’re more of a rounded U shaped — and eventually — V shaped.

EXHIBIT #1

I’m riffing all over these boobs.

1. In the first panel, those boobies look like they’re going to explode.  If this girl invited you over, you’d wanna make sure there isn’t any ragged edges on your fingernails.  Second-base could end in disaster.

2. The second and third panels focus on the issue of spacing.  Breast augmentation comes with the added bonus of scars and a free installation of a grand canyon in the middle of your chest.

3.  In the last panel (the before and after) the boobs are still way too round — and probably firm like a bag of sand.  Considering that I can see her ribs in the before picture… I think some more time spent at the refrigerator would have aided in her goal of a bigger cup size.  Just saying…

EXHIBIT #2

Breast implants x time = even more fucking ridiculous.
CONCLUSION

Boob jobs are expensive and look stupid.  I’m not a woman, so I’ve never had the thought of “I should get breast implants” run through my head.

As a man with moobs, I’ve had the thought of “I should get a breast reduction,” but that’s altogether different.

While I lack the charm, wit, high income, and good looks to ever attract a woman with breast implants to begin with, I concur with this fine gentleman.

CONCLUSION #2

Girls, until someone constructs a fake tit that doesn’t look like a fake tit, please… boycott that shit.  The BIG CORPORATE BREAST BUILDERS will never innovate if women keep going under the knife.
And really — just be yourself.  If you’re afraid that you’re going to look like a boy when you take off your shirt — remember that you’ll look like a woman when you take off your pants.

My kind of woman.

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GOD DAMN GENETICS: Season Finale: Is there a fat gene? If so, I have it.

"Hi Oprah, I noticed that you can get pretty fat too."
"Hi Oprah, I noticed that you also can get pretty fat."

I’ve been fat my whole life. Born at 9 pounds, I grew into chubby toddler and was fat throughout adolescence.

Hovering around 300 lbs. in high school led to my first diet.

THE ATKINS DIET

After my freshman year, I decided enough was enough and started looking into diets. As a self-professed food-addict, I chose Atkins as it was sold to me as a “eat until you’re full” type of plan. I spent the summer eating as much meat, cheese, and eggs as I wanted. I lost 60 lbs.
Needless to say, I didn’t stick with the diet. It gets old, fast.
I maintained my weight loss for the first year or so, but gained back 35 lbs. over the next couple of years.

At the end of a long term relationship when I was 23, I decided I should try to fix myself. At a weight of 265 lbs. it was time to cue the next diet.

ALTERNATE-DAY FASTING

The diet was simple. I just wouldn’t eat anything for three days out of the week and practically whatever I wanted on the other four. Worked well, lost a whopping 75 lbs. over the course of six-months. Maintained my all-time low adult weight of 190 lbs. for a year, then started to lift weights and eat every day, causing a gain of 45 lbs. over the next twelve months.

In the "best" shape of my life at 205 lbs.

On January 1st, 2012 my weight was up to 235 lbs. I decided that didn’t work for me and it was time to diet again.

ALTERNATE-DAY FASTING: ROUND 2.

I haven’t been as die-hard about dieting this year. I am back down to 210 lbs. but lost the weight much slower.  Too many weekly beer induced binges (for the blog!) led to massive weight fluctuations.

The bottom line:

I’m addicted and allergic to tasty, tasty food. It makes me swell up. So does beer.
Exercise makes me feel good, but then I just eat more, as I’m hungrier.

I would love to hit my goal weight of 170 lbs. in 2012.

If only there was some sort of diet and exercise plan that was free, effective, and hosted by a charismatic fat man that I can relate to.

If only…

If only…

(SEASON 2 FORESHADOWING)