PITCH: PRODUCT: Fake boobs that don’t look ridiculous.

Every year, Apple dramatically innovates many of its products.  Constant improvement.


Fake tits have looked ridiculous for thirty years.  No improvement.

What’s the deal?  Science hasn’t developed the technology to form silicone in the shape of U’s instead of O’s?  I mean, besides the massive gap in between implants, the shape is the main problem.  Natural boob’s aren’t circles.  They’re more of a rounded U shaped — and eventually — V shaped.


I’m riffing all over these boobs.

1. In the first panel, those boobies look like they’re going to explode.  If this girl invited you over, you’d wanna make sure there isn’t any ragged edges on your fingernails.  Second-base could end in disaster.

2. The second and third panels focus on the issue of spacing.  Breast augmentation comes with the added bonus of scars and a free installation of a grand canyon in the middle of your chest.

3.  In the last panel (the before and after) the boobs are still way too round — and probably firm like a bag of sand.  Considering that I can see her ribs in the before picture… I think some more time spent at the refrigerator would have aided in her goal of a bigger cup size.  Just saying…


Breast implants x time = even more fucking ridiculous.

Boob jobs are expensive and look stupid.  I’m not a woman, so I’ve never had the thought of “I should get breast implants” run through my head.

As a man with moobs, I’ve had the thought of “I should get a breast reduction,” but that’s altogether different.

While I lack the charm, wit, high income, and good looks to ever attract a woman with breast implants to begin with, I concur with this fine gentleman.


Girls, until someone constructs a fake tit that doesn’t look like a fake tit, please… boycott that shit.  The BIG CORPORATE BREAST BUILDERS will never innovate if women keep going under the knife.
And really — just be yourself.  If you’re afraid that you’re going to look like a boy when you take off your shirt — remember that you’ll look like a woman when you take off your pants.

My kind of woman.



M&M’s have come in a lot of varieties throughout the years.  Coconut, pretzel, almond, peanut butter, mint, crisp, dark chocolate, cherry, peanut, and mini. At this point, they could almost make a trail mix completely out of M&M’s… but something is missing.

Raisin! Hey Mars Company, you could totally wipe out Raisinets with the introduction of this variety.  I took the liberty of designing the first package for you.

The launch of raisin M&M’s would lead to another exciting product…

M&M Trail Mix – Raisin, peanut, almond, peanut butter, pretzel, and mini M&M’s.

Now please pay me.

PITCH: PRODUCT: A microwave that isn’t afraid of a little metal.

Where the hell is science lately?  It seems like they’re all focused on cellphones and GPS-satellite-blah-blah-blah.  We’re not even done with appliances yet.  Let’s look a little inward.

The Dyson guy gets it.  He looked at the vacuum and said “NOT GOOD ENOUGH.”  I respect that.  Fuck vacuums.  They suck.

I feel the same way about microwaves.  Where’s the innovation?  What’s the next best thing in microwave technology?

This is a microwave.

Someone needs to invent a microwave that I can put metal in.  I feel like something beyond myself (god?) is driving me on this one.  Also, I grill potatoes wrapped in tin foil.  I would like to eat the leftovers the next day, heating them up quickly in a microwave.  But who has the energy and time to unwrap them?  And as everyone knows, unwrapping a potato prior to heating ruins the locked in flavor.

These are potatoes wrapped in tin foil.

Another example — I make instant oatmeal.  When I stir it halfway through cooking, I sometimes forget to take the spoon out.   Loud noises. Pop.  Everyone yells at me.

Current and future science people, now you know.  A microwave that doesn’t freak out over metal would be really cool.