PITCH: PRODUCT: Fake boobs that don’t look ridiculous.

Every year, Apple dramatically innovates many of its products.  Constant improvement.

Meanwhile…

Fake tits have looked ridiculous for thirty years.  No improvement.

What’s the deal?  Science hasn’t developed the technology to form silicone in the shape of U’s instead of O’s?  I mean, besides the massive gap in between implants, the shape is the main problem.  Natural boob’s aren’t circles.  They’re more of a rounded U shaped — and eventually — V shaped.

EXHIBIT #1

I’m riffing all over these boobs.

1. In the first panel, those boobies look like they’re going to explode.  If this girl invited you over, you’d wanna make sure there isn’t any ragged edges on your fingernails.  Second-base could end in disaster.

2. The second and third panels focus on the issue of spacing.  Breast augmentation comes with the added bonus of scars and a free installation of a grand canyon in the middle of your chest.

3.  In the last panel (the before and after) the boobs are still way too round — and probably firm like a bag of sand.  Considering that I can see her ribs in the before picture… I think some more time spent at the refrigerator would have aided in her goal of a bigger cup size.  Just saying…

EXHIBIT #2

Breast implants x time = even more fucking ridiculous.
CONCLUSION

Boob jobs are expensive and look stupid.  I’m not a woman, so I’ve never had the thought of “I should get breast implants” run through my head.

As a man with moobs, I’ve had the thought of “I should get a breast reduction,” but that’s altogether different.

While I lack the charm, wit, high income, and good looks to ever attract a woman with breast implants to begin with, I concur with this fine gentleman.

CONCLUSION #2

Girls, until someone constructs a fake tit that doesn’t look like a fake tit, please… boycott that shit.  The BIG CORPORATE BREAST BUILDERS will never innovate if women keep going under the knife.
And really — just be yourself.  If you’re afraid that you’re going to look like a boy when you take off your shirt — remember that you’ll look like a woman when you take off your pants.

My kind of woman.

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: dick carrots?

A friend of the family gave us a big bucket full of carrots.

One of those carrots was a bit peculiar.
But there was something familiar about it.

So I reviewed it.  Not bad, very sweet.

I think everyone should eat dick carrots.

It’s good for you.

TESTIMONIAL: I just want to quit my job, drop out of school, and play Guild Wars 2 all day.

With who I am, what I like, and what I do — I’m pretty sure I’m not going to get laid ever again.  And you know what?  I’m fine with that.  At this point in my life I just want to quit my job, drop out of school, and play Guild Wars 2 all day.  Die poor and alone — but with six level eighty characters.

If that sounds depressing, it wasn’t meant that way.  I love life!  Life offers so many beautiful things like online gaming, and ummm… computers.
Guild Wars 2 > Real Life.

HIGHS

1. Guild Wars 2 managed to make MMO’s an enjoyable experience for me again.

LOWS

1. Guild Wars 2 managed to make MMO’s an enjoyable experience for me again.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the time right now for a MMO.

2. Why the hell did I buy an MMO right now?

3. Bad decisions.

4. Everything else.

NOTE:  I had a hour to kill in between classes, so I launched GW2 up in a lounge area.  A passing female commented “what a loser.”

I’m okay with that.  She’s just jealous.

TESTIMONIAL: Six months of this crap.

I’ve had all sorts of disc golf to play and homework to do, so I failed to write this on Juicejohn.com’s September 7th six month anniversary date.

I started this website on March 7th, 2012 as an outlet to just post whatever I want.  At the time I was three months in on my third college semester attempt and every class I selected turned out to be a writing class.  After being told what to write about so many times,  this blog was my form of a silent protest against the Man.  You can’t tell me what to write.  I’ll compose a piece about toilet paper and there’s nothing you can do about it...

There are many other outlets I could have chosen, but WordPress had the domain available, so I bought in.

In celebration of my now six month and four day anniversary of producing a blog with 90% original content (everything except the OTHER  category;) I’m going to stray away from Testimonial’s usual format where I break down the high’s and low’s of my personal life — and instead analyze the best and worst of my own website.

HIGH’S:
WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Sierra Nevada Torpedo Ale?  This beer was disgusting and my on camera reaction was 100% honest.

NOW YOU KNOW: Druggies and the use of modified sign language.  Wanna go blow a dwarf?

JUICE JOHN MARKETING: My issue with a certain toilet tissue. Does a bear shit in the woods?  Does it use toilet paper?

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Fila Texas Ranger tennis shoe?  My first attempt at trying to review something besides a beer.  Then I drank a beer.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: The Beauty of Winter and Robert Frost’s Poetry.  Nobody likes it, but I do.  And I’m the only one who matters to me.

THE ARTIST: Accidental Photography.  My HTC Windows Phone loves to launch into camera mode… without my consent.  I could make about six more of these posts.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: I’m Still Counting.  I like to keep myself occupied with nonsense like this.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Thirteen strangers liked this, so that made me like it.  Thanks guys!

PAPERS I WAS FORCED TO WRITE:  My tongue-in-cheek obituary.

LOW’S:

GOD DAMN GENETICS  The whole category.

ADOLESCENT POETRY JAM: House of Lies.  I used to webcam the poetry readings for APJ.  On this one, I wore make-up… and this video embarrasses me.

NOW YOU KNOW: Why I remain single.  I suck at dating or even getting to know someone.  This post depresses me because I know the guy who wrote it.

NOW YOU KNOW:  I mess up.  Deleted scenes, outtakes.  I’m weird.  I like to edit video, so I record garbage.

JOHN’S JUICE  The whole category… even though I had fun doing the Fat Man Workout Plan videos.

THE ARTIST: Juice John Choreography.  Fun at the time, but I know that there’s going to come a time where I regret dancing on the internet.

PITCH: PRODUCT: Raisin M&M’s!  I thought it was a good idea, but nobody liked it.

THE ARTIST: Minimalist Comics: The price of paper has made me a pauper.  I don’t really have a following.  I’m not very social and I don’t promote this website’s existence.  So when I get a bunch of likes on a post, it makes me want to sell out.  That’s what this post was.  A bunch of people liked the first Minimalist Comic, so I rushed to make a second one.  The joke fell flat, as it wasn’t a joke to begin with.  I’m talking some real life shit in this piece.

THE LOWEST OF THE LOW:

JUICE JOHN MARKETING:  We knew that Caucasian rap music sold cars way before Dodge did that commercial featuring Eminem.

I was eighteen and just started to experiment with making music.  I made this video for some coworkers who nicknamed me ‘MeatSauce’ and for all the people that chanted “go whiteboy” on commencement day.  It’s bad and I like it, but nonetheless it’s a low point in my life.

Everything else.

WHO ARE YOU TO REVIEW: Innis & Gunn Original Scottish Beer?

Some beers deserve to be savored.  A sip here, a sip there.  MMMMmmmm.  Enjoy the subtle notes of sweet and bitter.  And obviously, the eventual intoxication.

Pros

  • A lot of complex flavors.
  • It’s really hard to find, so it’s like a beer for hipsters.  “Yeah, I really like Innis and Gunn beer, but you’ve probably never heard of it.”
  • I really dig the flavor.  Once again, AGAIN — I wish I had the proper palette to talk about undertones, hints of “blank”, and toffee notes like the real reviewers… but I don’t know what any of that means.

Cons

  • Not made in Michigan.
  • It’s really hard to find.

UPDATED TOP 3 BEER RANKING

  1. Dirty Bastard by Founders Brewing Co.
  2. Innis & Gunn Original
  3. Oberon Ale by Bell’s Brewery

VERDICT: Recommended, YE-AH.

OH!  And Coors Light is good for slamming.